The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Based on a true story.  

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, highly intelligent yet exceedingly imbecilic girl named Lanna. Lanna was a successful umbrella salesman, a seasoned bear trainer, and a part-time clinophile. She was also the funniest, most modest and busiest person in all the land.

Because of Lanna’s over-achieving ways, she spent most of her days working, training and volunteering. Until one day, when three stylish wise guys showed up at her door. They kidnapped Lanna and wisked her away to a downtown fortress (affectionately known as “Shawshank North” to locals) where they held her hostage for days. Working, training and volunteering were all strictly forbidden. The only allowable activities were rest, relaxation and copious amounts of eating. Some have compared Lanna’s stint at the fortress to that of time served at actual Shawshank, but with plusher pillows, an earlier check-out time and fewer holes in the walls.

Her kidnappers were known collectively as the “Psycho Killers (Qu’est-ce que c’est) Gang” – the bat shit craziest gang in the Thornhill hood. Alison, gang name “Crazy Auntie Ali” was the unabashed leader and as her moniker suggests, crazy as fuck. Rachel “Preservative Free” Markus was head of vaping and Jodi “Left Tit” Newman was famous for her distinctive signature gangsta swagger that adopted an ass wiggle in place of a standard limp like an old school pimp.

It is important to note that all three gang members were shorter than Lanna (if Jesus can walk on water in his story, I can be taller than Preservative Free in my story). This is necessary to point out, not only because Lanna enjoys her tall height status and happens to be the author of this tale, but also because this is what lead some investigators to speculate that Lanna wasn’t actually kidnapped but rather ran-away, as the gang’s small stature would likely not have been able to over power Lanna’s impressive height. However, because there is plenty of evidence to suggest that all three gang members were in peak physical form (gym memberships, wardrobes consisting almost entirely of Lululemon and the possession of running shoes served as the main clues) whilst Lanna was most certainly a couch potato, the prevailing theory is that Lanna was taken against her will.

Nobody knows for certain what happened during the kidnapping, but legend has it the Pyscho Killers force-fed Lanna hoity toity foreign cuisine, bribed a shaman to incapacitate her using grapefruit oil and his bare hands in a series of repetitive mystical movements, clock-work-oranged her into watching a mom flick, tempted the clinophile in her with an uninterrupted night’s sleep in a urine-free bed and relentlessly mocked her and her sensitive bowels with their constant unapologetic farting.

Oddly, for reasons unknown, after days of intense torture that included artifically induced constipation, forced cuddling, and morning light sensory overstimulation, the Psycho Killers returned Lanna safely to her abode with only minor bruising and negligible psychological damage. Months later, after the kidnapping, a ransom note was discovered in Left Tit’s car who, true to form, forgot to deliver the note to Lanna’s family. The ransom note read simply:

“We love Lanna and will go to the ends of the earth to make her happy, or else…

Also, fuck you narcolepsy.”

The note appeared to also make reference to something about being peckish and the threat of death by peanut-butter M&M gluttony but because Left Tit accidentally spilled BigMac sauce on the note, the rest of the letter is illegible.

After the kidnapping, Lanna lived happily ever after with slightly tingly lips, a teacup, a new favourite stuffy and the realization that an uninterrupted night of sleep is nice but surprisingly lonely without her little dude cuddling beside/on top of her.

The end.

Kidnapping in the Hood: the Movie